Hard Times in Afghanistan

My oh my, how times have changed.

In the old days men in black trench coats with wide brimmed hats and attaché cases would stop off at some out of the way dark and dingy bar where an even dingier bartender with a foreign sounding name, usually displaying a big scar that ran down his cheek, would pour him a stiff one. This bartender typically walked with a limp and always knew enough to be dangerous but was savvy enough to be useful. Such was the life of a covert intelligence agent, at least in most of the old black and white spy movies that popularized their myth.

Nowadays, in the vernacular of these intelligence agents the terms “limp” and “stiff one” have a whole new meaning. The CIA recently admitted to supplying Viagra to elderly tribal warlords in Afghanistan in exchange for useful information.

Agents have always looked for a way to endear themselves to those who they deemed could be useful. They look for weaknesses or habits that could be exploited as a means to get what they want. The Russian KGB was famous for using beautiful female agents and after a tryst or two blackmailing the target into supplying information or providing services. I’m guessing the CIA has probably done the same thing on more than one occasion, which also brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “Taking one for the team”.

In the past CIA agents have enticed the Afghan warlord chieftains with trinkets and tools, as well as medical procedures for them and their family, school equipment and travel visas. They have also paid thousands of dollars in cash money for some of the information. Jamie Smith a retired CIA covert operations veteran in Afghanistan said the problem with giving the elders money was that they would go from covert to overt in no time at all. "If you give an asset $1,000, he'll go out and buy the shiniest junk he can find, and it will be apparent that he has suddenly come into a lot of money from someone" he said. Once folks in the area knew the chief was cooperating with the U.S. he was no longer of any value from a spy standpoint.

My question is wouldn’t the sight of an old tribal chief walking around with a suddenly ill fitting tunic let the rest of the village know that something was up, in more ways than one?

I think passing out the little blue pills is a great idea. It gets the informants in a good mood and aside from some possible strained muscles and a few scared goats has very few side effects. But will the American news media allow this practice to continue unchallenged? That’s the real question.

I can see the news stories now as breathless reporters question their in house medical experts about possible side effects and bemoan the fact that these prescription drugs are being dispensed without the benefit of a complete medical exam. And what of the dreaded priapism, which as every TV watching 6 year old can tell you is an erection lasting longer than 4 hours? Where is a poor Afghan elder going to go to get immediate medical attention?

In an effort to help get the ball rolling, so to speak, I have come up with some eye catching headlines for the sensationalist news media stories:

U.S. TARGETING THE TALIBONE

AFGHAN ELDERS HARDENED BY U.S.

CIA MEETS WITH STIFFENING AFGHAN WARLORDS

AFGHAN WARLORDS RISING UP

AFGHAN CHIEFTAINS ON THE PILL

PAST AFGHAN ENEMIES BECOMING FIRM FRIENDS

PETA CLAIMS CIA ENDANGERING AFGHAN LIVESTOCK

How fitting would it be if Osama bin Laden and his brood were finally caught thanks to $5 in little blue pills and an old Afghan that just wanted to feel like a young Afghan for a few more nights?

As the old DuPont slogan says “Better living through chemistry”.

Maybe better intelligence too.